The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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