it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
