A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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