I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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