True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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