So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
