Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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