i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
These tits shall not be calmed
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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