God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
