if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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