Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize