Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
