I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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