I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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