Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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