i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
