I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
