He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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