I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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