The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
