toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
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