I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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