Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
