Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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