if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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