After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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