So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
