Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
