i just snorted my name. best moment ever
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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