overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
