Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
