i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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