Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
