Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
