Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
