It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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