just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
