you guys were way drunker than both of me
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
