This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
