So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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