sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he fucked my hip out of place.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Randomize
