She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
