woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
