I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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