i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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