ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
