is your mom at the bar?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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