she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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