i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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