Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
vagina is talking i cant
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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