Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
