Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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