Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
