I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
it glows. i had to have it.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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