Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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