How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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