I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
