Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
