It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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