I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I need moral support for this bender
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
